August to October

      I have two blogs, this one I'd like to use for simply just rambling. An unassuming--little corner of the internet for me and the few people that find me. In August I turned eighteen, which to be entirely honest, I thought it would be a big deal. Eighteen, the age I longed for when I was little and dreaded as it got closer. An age I thought would be full of independence and responsibility-- immaculate change. Instead, it passed in a simple day of school, with a small cake, and that was all. I didn't feel much different or older even, but the same. I'm grateful for it really, I tend to get utterly depressed around my birthday. This time around it wasn't as dreadful apart from a few little things, but again it was fine. Simply a day in time, and I'm all the glad for it.  

    I started college on my birthday, I really do like it--much more than high school. I actually don't miss high school one bit. College 'culture' suits me more, I think it suits most more. Everything is more independent (I know thats the point); you choose your friends, your classes, your pace. I'm majoring in film, but likely won't take any film classes until my second year. My favorite class at the moment is Sociology, which I wish was in person. I genuinely find the readings interesting. That's really all I have to say on that.

    I visited my cousin, I love my cousin so much, she's like a sister to me. It was a very brief visit, but we went and got boba and things like that-- I'll see her later this month actually, for a concert. I made a puppet, I guess I should explain this. I've always been very into puppetry, but it's taken me this long to make a puppet on my own. Anyway I made a few videos with him, he's this fuzzy orange thing. Some of the videos did well and I've found myself in a community in people I've always wanted to be in (if you guessed puppet people you'd be right). 

    I've been drawing a lot more, college has given me the time to be creative that high school didn't. I went on a roadtrip with some of my friends to Oklahoma for a military graduation. I really enjoyed it, and Oklahoma is surprisingly pretty, we went to a national park and drove around as the sun was going down.

The graduation was on the military base a lived in for a time, I was very little and only remember it in cloudy, short memories. What I did remember was my house--and the window that belonged to the room in which I'd wait for my dad to get home from work, watching a few select videos from YouTube. It's weird to think that at the time, YouTube was very new. I remember watching The Duck Song over and over, and the Banana Phone song by Raffi. We hit a few antique stores towards the end of our trip. I got some Muppet goods which I was very excited about. I'm a huge Muppet fan. 

    The weather has been cooler, surprisingly. Fall is my favorite. I'm going as Mrs. Hannigan for halloween, I've always loved her, I saw a local production of Annie recently and decided then. Oh! I've started collecting DVDs, it's far cheaper than renting or buying a movie. I can go to GoodWill and get a quality movie for less than a dollar. I really think thats all I have to say for now. I mostly have old friends and fall on my mind.

            

Losing Friends

      I think people forget how important friendships really are. It's still a relationship, one that can be strong. So when things go wrong, and the relationship changes entirely, it hurts-- a lot. I've never been in a romantic relationship, I've wouldn't really say I've wanted one either. What I have had are deep friendship bonds that serve as one of my most important relationships when they do exist. In high school, I think sophomore year I formed a very close relationship with a girl, she was wonderful--we were wonderful. We were the duo in our grade, we were always together. Junior year we both grew up together closer, and then at the end of the year, we moved far away from each other. Even through this our relationship stayed strong, we'd visit each other every few months, we'd FaceTime most nights,  we shared everything. Things only started to change around New Year's Eve of senior year. She had been drinking, something she normally wouldn't had done, and she met someone--someone she would go on to date. 

     I didn't have any immediate issues with her partner, but they later proved to not be the best of people, especially for my friend. I think not would be a good time to mention I'm trying my best so spare big personal details. Anyway, her partner started to really want to know me, and got upset when I didn't want to interact with them. I don't feel that I should have to like my friend's partner, especially when we live so far away from each other, it doesn't truly affect anyone--eventually my friend agreed on that. 

    This summer my friend came and visited me, I was so excited, it felt like we hadn't seen each other in a while. The entire trip she was distracted with her partner, who was actively causing issues just to stir the pot. I didn't have a great time, I felt disregarded in a way. It was only when she got home that she apologized and told me other things that had happened while she was visiting-- lying to me, that sort of thing. I lost a certain level of trust in her, that and a feeling of importance that had strongly existed before.We sort of talked it out, I explained my frustration and how I felt, but then nothing changed.  

     As of yesterday, we are no longer friends and no longer in contact. I broke the contact, but it still hurts. It's less of mourning a person, but more so the relationship I had with her, and maybe mourning the person she used to be. People change, people are allowed to change, but maybe our changed selves don't really work together how they used to. 

    I think close and long friendships are real, lifelong friendships do happen--but I think trying to hold on to that idea while a friendship is changing or breaking can makes things worse. Someone can be your 'person' during a period of your life, but you'll continue to find your people as you go on, and the definition of 'your people' will change with your seasons. As much as it hurts, it's ok.